Doubt
by Crystal Volcheck
Summary: Doubt- n. a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. Carlos/Cecil, Past Cecil/Earl


**Hello everyone this is my first Welcome to Night Vale fic, I absolutely love the show and like to think that Cecil is an Eldritch Abomination in line with the Cthulhu Mythos, so there is a Lovecraft reference. Kudos to everyone who spots it.**

**Disclaimer: I claim no rights to Welcome to Night Vale or any of the works of H.P. Lovecraft, I merely enjoy them like the occultist I am.**

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Doubt-

_n._

_a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction._

It wasn't that he thought Carlos didn't love him, because for Carlos to have asked him to meet at Arby's those months ago meant that something was there.

But what was _something _anyway? In truth, it was nothing. Completely unspecified or unknown, like when you think that the chill going down the back of your neck is something, but it turns out it was nothing but your mind playing tricks.

Oh, how the mind likes to play tricks, especially in a town where the only way to cope is to drink until you forget. Which is why Cecil is sitting alone, well not alone per say, the Faceless Old Woman is rearranging his closet. Still it doesn't change the fact that he's sitting alone with a glass of brandy, with a thousand thoughts bouncing around his skull, with a heavy heart that seems to be breaking with each beat.

Ever since he had found those cassettes, he had been lost, uncertain in where everything stood. There was a war on the horizon and he had a key part to play, but that was all he could see. It seemed second sight could only go so far and while he knew that he could broadcast, actually he had to keep broadcasting with the angels gone he was one of Night Vale's last defenses.

Only he was so much more than that, but what he really was he couldn't accept, just he still couldn't accept what had overcome him when he came back in to the radio station to a very pissed of Daniel.

_"If you pull another stunt like that we'll be putting up missing posters of you, understand?" Something snapped and Cecil had Daniel against the wall by his throat. His form had started to shift, his the third eye opening allowing him to see beyond the first plane of existence. To even begin to describe what he saw would drive an ordinary man insane and the fear coming off Daniel was like a narcotic, he could take it and he wanted more._

_"Then you understand, that the Blind Idiot God bows for no one, nor does his son." Daniel had only let out a panicked cry, but it was enough and he had let the man go. _

Cecil pulled himself back to the present, feeling his form beginning to dissipate and a hollow ache grow in its place. He pulled himself back together and looked down at his shaking hands and the ancient markings winding around them and then continuing up his arms. They told the story of an approaching war between the Unsmiling God and the Smiling God. In addition, how each god would be reborn in two separate tears in the fabric of existence; one created of faith and truth, the other created of fear and lies.

Suddenly his phone lit up and Cecil grabbed it trying not to focus on the crushing disappointment at seeing that it was only a low battery. He had called Carlos over a dozen times and sent twice as many texts, but Carlos had yet to respond. It wasn't the first time it had happened, but it was what led to their first major fight a few weeks back. Carlos had apologized and promised to put him before science, but Cecil was starting to feel like he was on the back burner once more. It was a feeling that he was starting to become more familiar with than he wanted to.

When he had dated Earl, he was never on the back burner, Earl always made sure that he was at the top of his priorities, even back when they were kids. Soon the hollow ache returned, but it was a different, it wasn't the same ache caused by shifting into different planes, no this was heartache. He recalled all the times that Earl had been there for him and he bet that if Earl hadn't been dragged away the scoutmaster would have been there for him through these last few traumatic months.

And then there was the question of what would it have been like if he hadn't ended his budding relationship with Earl? They'd probably be living together and Earl would let him sleep in, but wake him with fresh coffee and gluten-free waffles. On weekends, Earl would take him camping and they would sleep under the void. He wouldn't be scared of what was happening and what he had to do; actually Earl would be rallying the troops with him. Earl would kiss him, take his hand, and walk into the battle with him.

It would have been perfect, why did he leave Earl? Because he had doubted Earl, he was scared and he began to doubt that Earl was too good to be true. He felt that he could never return the same amount of dedication or love that Earl gave him.

Now instead of doubting himself, he was doubting Carlos and maybe that was unfair because there was no one like Earl Harlan and he shouldn't doubt Carlos just because the scientist couldn't be there every time something major happened. Maybe he had just been so used to Earl's constant attention that that's what he expected from Carlos, but it still fucking hurt that Carlos hadn't been there when he was having an identity crisis. (He was still having that identity crisis, but that could be put on the back burner because he knew the truth of who or rather what he was).

"CECIL!" Carlos's rich voice was filled with panic and soon Cecil was being pulled into a bone-crushing hug. "I heard everything, are you okay?" Carlos pulled back and took Cecil's face in his hands, eyes wide with fear. "What were you thinking going onto the roof of the station? You could have gotten yourself killed!"

"I'm fine; the only one who got hurt was Daniel." Cecil tried to sound calm but his throat felt tight and he felt sick for doubting Carlos. The emotion bombarding him was almost too much to handle and he felt the beginning prickle of tears.

"Fuck Daniel, I only care about you and I've been really bad about showing you that. I'm so sorry Cecil, I'm so sorry for everything." Then Carlos was kissing him, fast and desperate before backing away to kneel on the floor next to Cecil. "And I know this is a poor excuse, but I'm scared and I don't know what it's like to not know the answers."

For once Cecil was speechless, he had never considered just how Carlos felt about everything that was going on. "I'm sorry too, I was starting to doubt you, actually I never thought about how you felt with all of this. Sometimes I forget that you're not from here and didn't grow up with the stories or legends." Carlos took Cecil's hands and squeezed them briefly.

"Then let's try working through this together, without doubt, okay?"

"Okay." Later Cecil would kick himself for replying so lamely, but right now, it didn't matter, because Carlos was here and just as scared as he was. Their relationship was far from perfect and that's what would make it perfect, all its flaws. And together they would work everything out, they would get through this together and that Cecil had no doubt about.


End file.
